Janie Lacy

Teen Sex Addiction: Porn, Hook-Ups & Secrets

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 7:42 AM 0 comments

Today, the curiosity about sexuality, which is normal for teenagers, can take a different turn if not navigated in a healthy way. The Internet and cable television have ushered in an age of unparalleled access to hardcore pornographic images and teenagers are jumping in with both feet.

According to Patrick Carnes, recognized as the leading expert in the field of sexual addiction, the largest consumer of Internet porn is the 12 – 17 year old age group, while the average age for 1st contact with Internet porn is approximately 11 years of age. Dr. Al Cooper, Author of Sex and the Internet: a Guidebook for Clinicians, calls the Internet the triple engine because of its access, affordability and anonymity, which has become the super fix for a new breed of addicts.

Are teenagers just exploring their newfound sexuality or should we take a closer look to the possibly of a developing addiction? Recent buzz surrounds MTV’s new controversial teen drama show Skins, based on the popular British show of the same name, which follows a group of nine friends (involving actors as young as 15) navigating the often-tumultuous world of high school; sex, drugs and trouble included. The network is planning to air 10 episodes despite receiving criticisms from different sources that it is borderline child pornography. Our culture has gone astray and continues to push the envelope without really thinking through the long-term effects of how it will affect the teen population.

When treating sexual addiction in adults, clinicians often find that the addictive patterns began in adolescence and progressed into other forms in adulthood. This is why it would be irresponsible and unwise for us to ignore the fact that our culture is handing teenagers loaded weapons of social and personal self-destruction. Let’s take a look at some of the criteria for teen sex addiction.

What is the criterion of teen sex addiction?

1. Loss of Control – clearly the sexual behavior is which the person does more than they intended or wanted to do

2. Compulsive Sexual Behavior – a pattern of out of control behavior over time

3. Efforts to Stop – Repeated specific attempts to stop the sexual behavior, which failed

4. Loss of Time – Significant amounts of time lost doing and/or recovering from the sexual behavior

5. Preoccupation – Obsessing about or because of the sexual behavior

6. Inability to Fulfill Obligations – the sexual behavior interferes with school, family and friends

7. Continuation Despite Consequences – Failure to stop the sexual behaviors even though you have problems because of it (social, legal, financial, physical, work.)

8. Escalation – need to make the sexual behavior more intense, more frequent, or more risky.

9. Losses – Losing, limiting, or sacrificing valued parts of life such as hobbies, family, relationships, and work

10. Withdrawal – stopping sexual behavior causes considerable distress, anxiety, restlessness, irritability or physical discomfort

If you or someone you know fits the criteria above when it comes to sexual behavior, including pornography viewing and compulsive masturbation, there are specially trained clinicians called Certified Sex Addiction Therapists, who can help get life back to normal and help put protective measures in place for the future.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT Candidate offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

5 Ways to Achieve Your New Year's Goals!

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 6:42 PM 0 comments

It is that time of year again when we reflect on the past year, think about what we wish we would have done differently, remember those accomplishments that went well and ponder the ever, elusive New Year’s goals! Is this one of those myths that will just always elude us or can we really follow through and make them happen? If you are like me, although they do seem elusive, I am determined this year to do it differently, to find a way to not give up, to finally turn it from a goal into a success story! I know, you must be thinking that I am just like everyone else this time of year! However, rather than just randomly throwing out the idea of working out more, staying on a budget, finding more time for family or the countless other goals, this year, let’s look at five ways that will take this from frustration to elation and take control of our goals!

1. Write It Down & Be Specific:

The easy part is thinking of all the things that we want to do in the New Year! We are constantly being hit on TV, the Internet and the media with how we can improve ourselves. So often though, what seems so clear in our thinking one day seems to drift away with time. The first step then is to write it down and not just in general terms but with a specific plan. If you want to lose weight, write down specifically how much weight, what days you are going to work out, and how you are going to change your diet. If it is about finances, then find a course or seminar you can take to give you tools that are proven, set time aside to use these tools right now and use resources at your bank or online to help you save in an emergency fund so you have some cushion. If our goals just stay in our head or they are too general, they will disappear from the radar screen very fast. When we make it specific, we then feel like there is an actual way to make it happen!

2. Have Visual Reminders & Accountability:

Now that you have it written down, put it in places on 3x5 cards that will remind you of your plan. Some helpful places are the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, dashboard of your car, or on your desk at work. By having these visual reminders, it will assist you in staying focused and on target. One other thing that can make a difference is sharing your goals and specific plan with a friend or family member that will hold you accountable. Now, it is not their job to make this goal a reality, but they can be there to encourage and challenge you along the way, especially when it seems too tough or you hit a time where you could get distracted. Keep in mind, this will be someone that you are empowering with personal goals in your life, so be willing to listen, ensure that they will be consistent and offer to be there for them as well so it is mutual accountability!

3. Create a New Path:

We got where we are in life because we took specific steps. Sometimes it is hard to see that in the moment, but when we look back, we can see where we got off course and how we ended up where we are. Now, the plan is to create that new path that will lead to where you want to go! We use our GPS all the time to get us to all our activities, why not use that same method to get us to our New Year’s goals? If I want to see my marriage improve, what path can I take for that to happen? How about dating again, finding those things that you did when you were pursuing each other and do them all over again…love notes, special dates, sunsets, etc.! If we stay on the same path we are on now, we will end up with the same results! Whatever you are trying to accomplish, put down three specific things you are willing to do and then walk down that path for 90 days and see what a huge difference there is!

4. Schedule Check-in Dates:

Ok, you have your specific plan, you found accountability partners, and you have written it down and put it where you can see it so you are on your new path! Now it is time to schedule “check-in” dates so you can measure your accomplishments and possibly readjust your plan. At first, you may want them to be every few weeks so you stay focused and don’t get discouraged. Then maybe they can be monthly so you build consistency. If we don’t have these check-ins, it will be too easy to give up or lose focus. Do these with your accountability partner, write down your progress and also any changes that you want to make and then set up your next check-in date and you will be amazed at your progress and how you stick to your goals!

5. CELEBRATE!

It does not matter how small the accomplishment is, be sure to take time to CELEBRATE your steps and accomplishments! This does not mean if you lose three pounds to go out and have an ice cream sundae, but maybe you give yourself a small treat. Too often, we focus on the negative and get down on ourselves and we forget to enjoy and make it fun! One more thing, plan something big for when you hit your goal! This will give you something to look forward to. By having small celebrations along the way and then a bigger one down the road, you will keep yourself in a positive frame of mind and making big deals out of your successes!

With a new year come new opportunities and new goals that can impact your life for years to come! We have a choice of continuing to do things as we have or we can be intentional about doing this year differently! Take the challenge! Follow these 5 steps with your New Year’s goals and see what a difference it will make! You will love it 6 months from now when you are able to share your successes with your friends and family, be an encouragement to them and feel so much better about the path you have created for yourself!

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

Counseling, Couples, goals, Janie Lacy, marriage, New Year's, Orlando, Relationships | |

5 Tips: Talking To Your Kids About Infidelity

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 11:00 PM 0 comments

Tiger Woods recent confession and discussion about his treatment has drawn attention to the effects of infidelity on the entire family. Unfortunately, Tiger is not alone, couples every year are faced with how to talk to their kids about infidelity. How much do you tell them? How should the hurt parent express their feelings about the indiscretions? Should the kids be told at all?

It is one of the most difficult things to endure when you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful. If you're the one that has cheated, you probably realize the amount of pain that has been inflicted on your spouse. What you may not comprehend is the pain that your child can feel because of infidelity. This is a crucial time for your children. It will either be an opportunity to open the doors for healing or create an even more hurtful situation depending on how it is handled.

The following are five tips to keep in mind when having that family meeting to tell the kids what has happened:

1. You want to keep in mind that your kid’s belief of who their parent was can be shattered when they find out about the betrayal. Therefore, keep away from emotional, hurtful conversations that paint the betrayer as a bad person in front of the kids.

2. It is most effective to have both parents present while telling the kids (age appropriate) what has happened so that the betrayed parent can demonstrate strength and resiliency to prevent the kid(s) from fiercely going into protective mode of the hurt parent.

3. The hurt parent will need to be careful to not shed the betrayer in a bad light in front of the kids so that the kids do not feel that they are being disloyal to the hurt parent if they forgive that parent.

4. Remember the kids may potentially take it personally, so the parent who did the betraying must be available to respond to their kid’s comments in a non-defensive manner and without making excuses or trying to justify their behavior.

5. It is recommended that the parent who has been betrayed show that they are not defeated and can take care of themselves. This is setting an example for the kids as to what to do when they are betrayed or hurt.

It is important to remember that when an infidelity is exposed, it not only affects the betrayed person but all the family members along with friends of the couple. When the couple is open, especially with their children, it can help begin a healthy healing process for them.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

Three Things You Need to Know If You Are Married Sleeping Apart

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 12:00 PM 0 comments

Did you know that more than 23 percent of married Americans sleep alone according to the National Sleep Foundation? The reason that couples reported that they sleep separately was because of snoring, restless leg syndrome, pregnancy, and different work schedules, but is it a good idea? According to the National Association of Home Builders, there's been a steady increase in the number of requests for "two-master bedroom" homes since 1990, prompting the organization to predict that by 2015, 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two "owner suites."

Below are three things you should consider if you and your spouse have separate rooms:

1. IS THIS BRINGING US CLOSER TOGETHER OR FARTHER APART?

Couples need to consider if medical conditions are keeping them from snuggling at night, many of the cited medical reasons can be successfully treated. If couples continue to sleep apart and do not address the reasons behind it, it can spell trouble for the marriage. Sleeping together is a very important part of being integrated together.

2. IS THERE A LACK OF PASSION AS A RESULT?

If the couple determines that sleeping apart is what is best for the relationship, it is very important that there is continual building of emotional and physical intimacy. It is recommended that couples schedule time to just talk and stay updated on each other’s lives, especially on what the other is feeling. The couple can have fun with scheduling “physical appointments” with each other.

3. WERE THERE OTHER UNDERLYING PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE BEFORE THE TOPIC OF SLEEPING APART CAME UP?

Some couples may have some unresolved challenges in the relationship and sleeping apart can be an excuse for one partner to leave the bedroom for some other reason given. Couples need to deal with any issues before one leaves the bedroom, whether they are already sleeping separately or planning on doing so.

There are a number of legitimate reasons for couples deciding to sleep separately. Couples want to be cautious and be aware of the physical separation not causing emotional or intimate separation. Couples want to be intentional about addressing their concerns and feelings including finding a way to stay connected in the same bedroom or at least avoid becoming distant if they decide to sleep separately.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact

Five Healthy Couple Conversations

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 9:00 AM 0 comments

When I counsel couples that are not married yet, I often probe about their past and current conversations. If a couple responds, “We have not discussed that yet”, it reveals one of the contributing factors as to why they are in my office.

A recent study published in Psychological Science says that people are happier when they spend more time discussing meaningful topics than engaging in small talk.

Whether you or someone you know is in a relationship, the following conversations are important to you for a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Childhood Experiences: Our childhood is the template for which the rest of our life is built, so it is important to know how your partner has experienced that time frame in their life. It could also explain their outlook on life, how they have learned to operate in relationships and what were the major contributing factors to their character.

2. Fears and Insecurities: Everyone has them, but many do not realize just how powerful these emotions are in their life. What worries them? What are the things that make them lose sleep at night? What are the things that they want to improve about themselves? What do they struggle with on a daily basis? It is important to know that this conversation creates great vulnerability, so how you respond to each other is also a tell tale sign of how you will handle their feelings in the future. You want to be empathetic and gentle, just like you would want your partner to respond to you.

3. Past Relationships: Most people do not feel comfortable talking about the depths of their past relationships nor do many individuals like to hear about their partner’s past relationships. However, there is some important information that you can learn about what your partner may struggle with as a result of past experiences with others. Again, you want to be careful of how you respond to your partner and also to not share too many details that may make your partner feel uncomfortable.

4. Family Life: What does your partner’s current relationship look like with their parents? Do they have adult to adult conversations or do their parents still treat them like a child? Do they still try to please their parents? Can they say no to mom? How do they handle family functions? This will give you some powerful insight to your partner’s family relationships and their belief system about family life.

5. Political Viewpoints: Everyone has heard of the advice to stay away from conversations that deal with religion and politics in the workplace. Well, you want to do the reverse in your dating relationship. You want to practice respecting the other’s viewpoint, but you want to ask questions with the intention of learning their personal philosophy.

In your relationship, what you discuss with your partner will reveal the health of your relationship and more importantly if you can accept your partner for who they are right now. The reality is most people operate in their dating relationship based on the “ideal” of the person rather than the “reality” of the person. You have to be able to accept the person for who they are right now and be able to navigate through the above conversations to move toward being a healthy and happy couple.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

4 Tips to Thrive Through the Holidays

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 12:00 PM 0 comments

If you are like most people, when you see the holiday displays around Halloween, you ask yourself, is it that time already? Holidays can be met with mixed emotions, the joy of the season and the feelings of being overwhelmed. How would you like to not only survive the holidays but also actually enjoy them this year? By following the 4 practical tips below, you will be well on your way!

1. Lower your expectations. Much of the frustration people experience from the holidays is setting their expectations too high. They expect too much from friends or family, and when they don’t get what they want, they get frustrated.

2. Take time for yourself. Be sure that no matter how busy you get, that you take time for yourself. Many people rush through the holidays with their to do list. Take a long walk, listen to some holiday music or enjoy a long bath to give yourself some much-needed relaxation time.

3. Stay out of debt. Debt steals people’s enjoyment through the holidays knowing that when the holidays are over; they still have to pay for it. Make a list ahead of time, set spending limits within your budget and remember, your PRESENCE with your family is more important than your PRESENTS.

4. Enjoy what you can. Go with an attitude of knowing that things will be what they will be. You can’t control other people or their actions. Try to embrace their uniqueness and make fun memories.

When the New Year has arrived, what will be those holiday memories? Will you be glad it is over or will you reflect on the joyous occasion? You can be proactive starting now! Happy Holidays!

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

Four Conversations That Can Make or Break Your Dating Relationship

Posted by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC On 9:00 AM 0 comments

Are you or someone you know in a dating relationship? Are you confused as to what conversations can harm vs. help your relationship? There are conversations that you want to precede with caution when you have them with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

I believe as a “general rule of thumb” that couples should not keep secrets in their relationship. However, in saying that, there are also some things that are not relevant to the current relationship and can bring harm to the relationship more than benefit it.

These Top Four Areas Can Make Or Break Your Relationship

1. Past Hook-Ups

In your dating relationship, it is necessary to know approximately how many sexual partners your partner has had in the past. You can get insight early in the relationship to the challenges that may occur in the long-term as a result of earlier sexual history. However, too much information can cause unnecessary harm to your dating relationship. You want to think twice before you divulge all the details of your past hook-ups, especially “what and where” details. This can bring hurt to the relationship if your partner feels that they cannot measure up or are made to feel insecure as a result of your past experiences.

2. Spending Habits

It is good to know generally what your boyfriend or girlfriend’s spending habits are before you invest too much into the relationship. The area of finances is in the top three major reasons for marital difficulties including divorce. In relationships, you want to have the same core spending values, however, it is not important to go into every detail of your spending habits early on in the relationship. After all, is it really important that you tell him how much you spent on those shoes after he compliments you wearing them?

3. His/Her Family

In your dating relationship, you want to be very careful what negative things you say about your partner’s family. You must remember they were there before you and will continue to be there after you. Besides, you can learn a lot about your partner by just observing his family interactions. Regardless if he or she appears very different from their family, they have been affected in some way by being a part of their family dynamics. Instead of making a critical comment, take the opportunity to learn more about how your partner feels about their family. Instead of saying, “ I can not believe your sister made that comment to your mom, she is a witch to do that,” how about, “what did you think of your sister’s comment to your mother?” Rule of thumb when dealing with your partner’s family: ASK QUESTIONS AS OPPOSED TO MAKING STATEMENTS.

4. Innocent Flirtations

The mere fact that the workplace is mixed with women and men working together, flirtation is bound to happen on one level or another. In saying that, your response is what is most important in the occurrence, not necessarily whether the flirtation occurred. It may not be necessary to run back to your partner to tell them about every person that flirts with you. However, if there are incidents that cross the line and make you feel uncomfortable, it is probably best to discuss it with your partner. Also, if you feel an attraction starting to develop, it is important to share this with your partner to bring it out in the open and defuse it. Remember, you may get flirted with especially in the workplace, so how you respond to it is your best defense.

When you follow the above simple guidelines in your conversations, there is an opportunity to build trust and engage in productive communication in your relationship rather than hitting potential land mines. Sooner or later, you will face each of these situations and how you handle them will determine the healthy or unhealthy development of the relationship. Remember to ask questions, but also be sensitive to how you would feel if these scenarios were brought to your attention. Lastly, be proactive by not providing details that will cause more harm than good to your relationship.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

Communication, Counseling, counselor, dating, finances, Janie Lacy, Relationships, Sex | |

Janie Lacy

Teen Sex Addiction: Porn, Hook-Ups & Secrets

5 Ways to Achieve Your New Year's Goals!

5 Tips: Talking To Your Kids About Infidelity

Three Things You Need to Know If You Are Married Sleeping Apart

Five Healthy Couple Conversations

4 Tips to Thrive Through the Holidays

Four Conversations That Can Make or Break Your Dating Relationship

Labels